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| So a possible position might have become available to me... the catch? I would have to move to Jacksonville, FL. There are moments in life when you are presented with options and they seem more of a test than a anything. I had one and I took it here to St. Louis. The balance being I got a job that pays well... that I hate and a boss that doesn't want me here anymore due to my personal life rather than my work performance. Second, I have the love of my life here in St. Louis. While he feels its not fair for me to ask him his opinion considering that he is in New Zealand right now, I say thats the perfect time. We know what its like to say good bye to each other for long periods of time and not only would have to do that again and again, but the time frame of 5 months would then become over a year... I can't do that to him. I want nothing more than his happiness, and selfishly mine. I know for my happiness that I have to have him here with me. I think thats a thin line to walk for many, but this time the easiest choice and the right choice are one in the same. I don't want to miss a second with him if I don't have to I love you panda bear.
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| Sitting in wait for tomorrow morning. He is laying with me now and it already kind of feels like he has gone... is it July yet? Is he back? Tomorrow begins my time of introspection, tomorrow begins the longest 6 months of my life. I love you Panda...
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| Was it really July when I posted last... wow... time really does fly by sometimes. I am doing well, to anyone who might come across this. I have been working in St. Louis, and that has had its ups and downs. Its a job which is definitely an up! However, I honest dislike much about my job... beggars can't be choosers I guess. I really feel I have missed this aspect of my life in the past months. The ability to think out my emotions, and speak out my thoughts on what is going on in the world. I mean in really in a matter of 6 months we have elected a new president (the first African American ever!), the economy went from bad to worse (with no bottom in sight) and I found this amazing guy. Yet... in less than two weeks he will be gone for six months and I get to attempt something that has been the largest obstacle in every relationship I have been in... distance. We aren't talking about an hour and a half or two... we are talking New Zeland... Ups and downs I guess... Now time to ask myself questions... Am I any different than I was a year before? I am happier in some aspects, yet far more restricted in others. There is the real world, but that comes with the responsibilities associated with it. I am a year older, a year wiser, and a year closer to what? To my ends? To an ends? What is the gauge of a man? The time he puts into life or what life gets out of him? I feel I should have more profound thoughts to share, yet I feel that since graduation I have become far deeper into money and business and far from where I once was in mind and spirit. I still take care of my body, work hard and eat right... but in that ends I strugle with why? Is it for me, or my perspetion of me? I don't know... there are alot of ifs in this, and far more questions than answers. I feel that they are the same questions that I have asked before, with just different examples to bring them to the front. I guess that either means that life really is a circle dooming itself to repeat, or that I never learned the lessons I should have the first or second time round, and am doomed to repeat until I do. I am content though, and happy with the love and security that I have in my life. But at what cost has it come? I feel that in many ways a part of me has died in some ways since I graduated, and the real question should not be "what do I desire" but "what do I need?" I treat myself, and treat myself well... not only at the cost profits from work, but in some ways I pay by part of who I am. Selling out? I guess that could be said... and for what? Toys? When is enough enough? I feel that I am hitting that wall and hitting it fast. Life is breathing, living and dieing everyday out my window... I just need to step out of the door to fully get it, rather than just see it from the security of my home... hoping that I can view it with out ever feel it... Life has a way of breaking in. I just need to figure out a way to make sure that I embrace that. Its getting late and I have to get to bed, but I wanted to thank anyone who reads this. It was good to get out the cobwebs and say what was on my mind again... better for me than I could describe. Good night all.
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| Its a typical morning like any other... I look out the window of my cubical to see the gray sky that greets me daily these days. As I put my Ipod on random and start to go through my e-mails a familiar song comes on... one that I haven't heard in some time, and as the well worded song plays through one ear (have to keep one open to hear the phone) I begin to think... where have I gone, but better yet... not where have I gone, where has the world I once knew gone. Peace was once the standard and now we live in a time where death is more an expectation, brought on by daily news of soldiers, civilians, etc... losing their lives to violence and hatred. Happiness was once present all around, and how materialistic our society is shown through. As times got harder fiscally, people got harder personally. Life is your value, yet people no longer saw their value as the sum of their character, rather the sum of their accounts. A mathematical equation to denote how much some has to offer, rather than the sum of experiences and knowledgable. Value being placed on the lowest cost, with little regard for unrealized costs that far outweigh any gain... look at the destruction of China's environment, yet they are one of the largest growing economies in the world (value misplaced once again). I had a conversation not too long ago with some friends where we reevaluated the true value of existence. It was the ability to better society as a whole, to be the best cog in the machine of mankind that one could be. Doing whatever service is necessary for its fellow man to best create a happy and cohesive existence. Where did this go wrong? What changed? We added a value. No longer were goods traded, rather there were numbers associated to them... people became greedy, lazy, and apathetic... people lost humanity, and if you look around at what has become of the world its sad to think how much promise we had, and still do. Unrealized promise, where people better each other for the sake of doing their part... the day that people took on the perception that personal gain was the sole motivation for every action was the day that humanity started its downward spiral. A professor once told me, that to understand people in order to sell to them you must understand that people will do what is in their own best interest. Its so true... and sadly I feed on that daily and live with that daily, as does everyone. Why is society shocked when companies take action to kill off thousands through known health issues, chemicals, and additives? Why would someone knowingly hurt another? Because it benefits them the most... So I ask you how do we stop this? How do we walk away from this stance and return to the idea that our purpose is to best serve everyone each day? | | |
| Currently in Indy for my anual trip to the 500. As per usual it was amazing, I can't say that I have ever had a bad time here. Its like my moment of zen... ok not really that far, but it was nice. I love Indianapolis and fall in love with it again every time I come back here (or as Jim Neighbors would sing "Back home again") I'm interested to see what tomorrow brings, good times? Bad times? Talks? Silence? I don't know, hell I can't begin to guess. Looking at my past, looking through the mirror of old I have seen my face the same as today. I have seen what I had and learned from, and from that point have no desire to return. Not now... not ever... I need to continue on forward, and leave the past as exactly that. So what if you don't want me there by your side? If you don't want me there in your life? Well... I would be sad, I would be hurt, I would learn and move forward. Time for some House...
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